


all those tears we cried can fade into love

by flyler



Series: a fluid renaissance [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, in this house we love nonbinary lesbian alex danvers!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 07:28:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15043784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyler/pseuds/flyler
Summary: alex has become a lot more confident. it’s been almost five months since they finally came to terms with being nonbinary, and came out to maggie, and they feel like a weight has been lifted off their chest.featuring chyler's new(ish) haircut that makes all of us go weak at the knees, nonbinary lesbian alex danvers, and trans man winn schott.





	all those tears we cried can fade into love

**Author's Note:**

> written because i still feel like the depth and intricacy of what it means to be a nonbinary lesbian hasn't truly been explored with alex yet. also, specifically written because i was supposed to be able to go to pride for two days but life got in the way both times, so i'm feeling a little sad like alex is for a bit, and what's better than projecting onto fictional characters?
> 
> nothing, really.
> 
> also, wow, i really haven't published anything in four months. i really need to step my game up. without further ado, please enjoy the second installment of this miniseries!

Alex has become a lot more confident.

 

It’s been almost five months since they finally came to terms with being nonbinary, and came out to Maggie, and they feel like a weight has been lifted off their chest. Figuratively, of course. They bought a nude colored binder and use it every once in a while, usually social outings (not work, as Alex has learned that they will prioritize the need to be flexible and breathe long and heavily over any gender dysphoria that might come up) that include doing something with only Maggie.

 

Because, well, it’s been five months, and Alex has only come out to two people: Maggie, and Winn.

 

Maggie, because she’s the love of Alex’s life, and Alex could never hide anything from her, even if she somehow wanted to.

 

Winn, because Alex learned shortly after Winn came to the DEO why Winn always buttoned his shirts to the top collar, why Winn would only ever go to the bathroom or change or shower alone, why J’onn never required him to wear the skintight black uniform that was considered standard.

 

He’d gotten top surgery a few months after joining the DEO, as it’s really helpful to have an alien-powered, highly-tech hospital right at your fingertips, and your work family― no, scratch that, just plan _family_ , being the people to convince you it’s okay to use it.

 

Alex remembers how happy Winn had been when he’d finally healed (a pretty short time frame compared to someone who doesn’t have their type of healing technology), and feeling a sort of connection.

 

A connection they didn’t understand, or even think to understand, until the nights they spent awake next to a slumbering Maggie trying to breathe so quietly not even Kara would be able to hear it.

 

Alex isn’t out to anyone else. Maybe J’onn knows, but he has close to perfect control of his telepathy powers after being on Earth for so long. Kara doesn’t know, Lucy doesn’t know, James doesn’t know, their mom doesn’t know…

 

Oh, god. Their mom.

 

They don't like to think about what they _haven’t_ done, though; instead, they think about all the progress they’ve made. Any time they starts to think negatively, Maggie is always there to pick them up with the right words, and if she doesn’t have the right words, she has a shoulder to lean on and an ear to give.

 

It’s early July, the heat of National City at its worst. Alex had originally wanted to use Pride as a way to put their adult pants on and tell everyone who they were― their _full_ self― but a group of Maaldorians trying to kidnap aliens in remote areas in the Midwest had Alex gone the whole time, and Maggie had picked up the second half of a cold case reopened because she didn’t feel like going without Alex.

 

It’s okay, there’s always next year, and Alex knows this, but they still feel the disappointment blossoming in their chest like a team of dandelions taking ownership over a garden, and they don’t feel like nagging Maggie with the same spiel because they knows they should be over it by now, so they want to do something to distract themself from the melancholy.

 

So they cut their hair.

 

A pseudo undercut, they’d thought of it as. Some of the sides are shaved, and if they slick their hair back like they’d asked the stylist to, it looks like one, but they’ve also left a little more hair in, just because.

 

They don't have to wonder what Maggie thinks for very long. Maggie comes home about an hour after Alex does. She must’ve stopped by the store on the way from work, as she’s carrying a bag of some toiletries they’d run out of in one hand.

 

When Maggie sees Alex’s new haircut, she momentarily lets go of the bag she’s holding from shock before quickly scrambling to stop it from dropping. The commotion and choking sound that Maggie makes during her mishap gets Alex to look up from the mystery novel they’re reading.

 

“Oh, hey Maggie!” Alex smiles before seeing the flustered expression on their fiancee’s face. “Are you okay?” They touch their new hair. “Is it my hair? Do you hate it? It was kind of out of the blue, but I was still feeli―”

 

“Alex.” Maggie puts her hand up and places her bag on the countertop that borders the apartment. “Trust me when I say that you look _good_.”

 

“Really?” Now it’s Alex feeling a little flustered.

 

“Incredibly.” Maggie comes over to sit next to Alex. Alex dogears the page they were on and rests their book on the table, and gives Maggie a quick peck as a belated welcome home. Maggie, in turns, takes Alex’s hand and presses her lips to the calluses that litter the top of their palm. With her lips still against Alex’s skin but far away enough for her words to be comprehensible, she says, “Your confidence is extremely sexy to me. I love seeing you feel comfortable in your skin. But the aesthetics of the haircut alone… I’m definitely not complaining.”

 

“Okay.” Alex uses the proximity of their fingers and Maggie’s face to lightly skirt the pad of their thumb across Maggie’s soft cheek. “I’ve just… I’m still feeling down about Pride, and I wanted to do something to make myself feel better.”

 

“You can always come to me with that stuff, you know,” Maggie says, taking Alex’s hand and bringing it down to hold in both her own.

 

“I know. And I have! I just felt like, at this point, I was repeating myself, and it didn’t help to wallow in how I was feeling. That’s why I got a haircut.” Alex sighs. “I just feel like that was the perfect time to tell everyone, and it went down the drain. We were so busy with the Maaldorians Kara barely had time to take some publicity photos at the parade. She was only able to eat half the enormous funnel cake made in her honor because we needed her back in Arizona.”

 

“We have a movie night at Kara’s apartment on Thursday.” It’s Tuesday. Maggie can see Alex’s jaw clench, involuntarily, in the slightest. “I’m not saying you have to tell them, but you _wanted_ to, right? I’ll be there for you. If you don’t want to say anything, you don’t have to. If you panic and want to go home, we’ll do that, too, and I’ll spend the rest of the night showing you how much you matter in any way you want.”

 

Alex takes their forehead and rests it on Maggie’s shoulder, murmuring, “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

 

“Don’t think about it like that,” Maggie says. “I know that if I did, I’d ask myself that question every single second i’m in the same room as you. All I can do is spread enough good karma to make up getting to spend all the time I have left with you.”

 

“You’re so mushy.” Alex kisses Maggie on the cheek.

 

“You’re literally the one that started it!” Maggie protests, but she’s smiling, hard enough that her dimples are showing and Alex has to kiss her cheek again, right where it idents, because, really, they’re strong enough to take down several aliens and barely break a sweat, but playing neutral when it comes to Maggie’s dimples isn’t a bet they’re willing to make.

 

A thought pops up in Alex’s head. “You know, I was thinking about getting that waterproof binder I could use to swim. I think the one I already have is waterproof, but I’ve been reading up and most people use a separate one for swimming, and we have that Midvale weekend trip with Kara, Lucy, and the boys at the end of July. I want something that will be able to fit comfortably under my wetsuit.”

 

Maggie does her signature move of cocking her head. “Yeah?”

 

“Oh, um, yeah.” Alex, realizing their abrupt change of the topic, gives a light scoff in embarrassment. “Sorry, didn’t mean to ramble like that.”

 

“No, don’t feel bad.” Maggie squeezes Alex’s hand, rubbing circles on the back of it. “Do you think being in a wetsuit would trigger your dysphoria?”

 

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out a bit, but I’m learning I don’t like skintight. Makes work a little hard, but it’s not like I’m out enough to be able to do that.” Alex frowns.

 

“Okay, firstly, don’t think about what anyone else would think. What do _you_ want? Secondly, you _do_ have a suit engineer as a coworker and good friend. I’m sure Winn could come up with something for you.”

 

“Oh, you’re right!” Alex’s face lights up. “It’s complicated though. It’d have to be flexible so I can move, and breathe, and I’d probably prefer it to be built into my uniform because I don’t wanna wear a ton of layers. And it’d have to be easy to take on and off. I’d think a long sleeve binder would be really complicated to make. I’m sure Winn will do all that and make it bulletproof or shoots lasers or something… Okay, I’m rambling again.”

 

“Seriously, Alex, stop apologizing! I find it really cute.”

 

Alex’s eyebrows crinkle in confusion. “You find me talking about binding cute?”

 

“I find the situation cute.” Maggie releases Alex’s hands to make a wide shrugging motion. “I mean, think about it. It used to be _me_ informing _you_ on a lot of stuff like this, right? Now the tables have turned. Most of the LGBT people I’ve ended up becoming friends with have been cisgender, and not for any reason other than circumstance, but I’m not really informed about all of this stuff. As you learn more about yourself, I get to learn about it, too. I love you so much and getting to help you determine what’s best for you is a great journey for me, also.”

 

“Yeah, I guess the situation is pretty ironic,” Alex says, their tone soft right after hearing Maggie so easily and casually declare their love (something they’ll never get used to, truly, unless getting used to it means you get to feel your heart become just a tiny bit fuller every time you hear it). “The teacher has become the student, and vice versa, huh?”

 

“Can’t object.” Maggie sets her elbow down on one of Alex’s legs that rests in a criss-cross and props her head in her palm. “You make a pretty sexy teacher.”

 

Alex laughs and pushes Maggie’s arm off, causing Maggie to slip a bit before expressing a playful glare. “Really, though… I think I will. Tell them. Thursday.”

 

Maggie smiles tenderly. “I’m proud of you, whatever decision you decide to make.”

 

―――――

 

Thursday night is calmer than most movie nights the gang usually had, as they’d had a hard mission Wednesday afternoon and mainly wanted to drink wine and watch something that didn’t take a lot of brain cells to process. If anyone hadn’t complimented Alex’s new haircut yet because they hadn’t seen it the day before, they did, Winn even giving a knowing look and ruffling Alex’s hair because he knew how it felt to get it from long, or at least long enough to comfortably tuck behind the ear, to having some parts of it shaved.

 

Alex refrained from playfully pushing Winn off, deciding to only give a teasing glare to tell him he was on thin ice, but all it did was make Winn’s shiteating grin wider.

 

The movie was some documentary about space rocks as it was Alex’s turn to pick (Kara’s protests of “That doesn’t count as a movie!” fell on deaf ears), and while Alex, Winn, and Lena were enraptured in the capturing and lab work that came with studying certain types of alien sedimentary and discussing what they thought of it, Kara had passed out with a large box of potstickers sitting on her stomach, rising and dipping with her slight breathing. James was interested enough but not informed enough in the science department to gather his own thoughts, and Maggie was content in seeing Alex passionate about the subject.

 

(Lucy, sadly, had been stuck with the night shift at the desert location of the DEO, but she’d given Kara her condolences for Alex’s lack of taste in movies over text.)

 

Three-fourths of the way through the documentary, Kara snorts and wakes herself up, the potstickers on her lap falling onto the floor. “No!” she cries dramatically, taking the styrofoam box they’d be in and picking them up.

 

“You’re not gonna eat those, are you?” Alex asks.

 

Kara, halfway to putting one in her mouth, looks at Alex like Alex had just asked if Kara was going to continue breathing.

 

Alex sighs. “Gross.”

 

“Did you really expect her to not just dust them off and devour them like usual?” Winn says, as Kara starts to eat the rest of what had been in her lap.

 

“Hey,” James starts, “Now that we’ve come to a pause, what vehicle should we use to go to Midvale? We could carpool, or rent something.”

 

“We could use one of the DEO vans,” Winn says, and Alex shakes their head.

 

“We’re not using stuff from work for our personal use, Winn.”

 

“I don’t think J’onn would mind,” Winn grumbled, and Alex raised their eyebrow, causing Winn to roll his eyes and zip his lips, miming throwing the key behind his shoulder.

 

“Oh, Alex!” Kara pipes in. “We should shop for bathing suits together. Maggie, Lena, you guys can come too, obviously.”

 

Lena shrugs. “Sure. I haven’t gone swimming in a while, anyway, so I’ll need something.”

 

Alex blinks, trying not to freeze, and Maggie discreetly brings her hand to the small of Alex’s back to rub her thumb in comforting circles against it. “I don’t know, Kara. I… I already have a bathing suit I like.”

 

“But we could still try on bikinis together and see who can find the craziest pattern.”

 

“I don’t want to,” Alex says, and they say it forcefully and instinctively enough that Kara can tell something is up.

 

“Wait, why? That’s, like, our tradition. Did something happen?”

 

“I just don’t like bikinis anymore.”

 

“Okay. There are tankinis and trunks and stuff―”

 

“I don’t want to go swimsuit shopping, Kara! Seriously! Just drop it. Can we watch the documentary? I’ll rewind.”

 

Kara deflates, and the adults that weren’t a Danvers sibling, who had been tennis balling with their eyes as the argument commenced in front of them, look anywhere else when the argument is over. Maggie, at this point, had changed from a thumb to her whole hand making soft motions against Alex’s back.

 

The next fifteen minutes or so are quiet. No conversation, and Kara, who had no idea what the documentary was going on about after being unconscious for most of it, had the gears in her head turning, but no conclusion that made sense popping out.

 

Maggie can practically feel Alex’s own thoughts start to bubble over the cauldron, but even she is surprised when Alex blurts out, “I’m nonbinary,” in the middle of an admittedly snooze-worthy interview given by some college professor.

 

Kara looks at Alex. “What?”

 

Alex turns pink with all of the attention turned on them, the documentary forgotten. “I’m nonbinary.”

 

“Wait,” Kara says, “I don’t really get what that means.”

 

“It’s… like… I’m not a man or a woman. I’m just… me.”

 

“It’s under the transgender umbrella,” Winn clarifies, and Kara shrugs.

 

“Oh. Gender played a little differently out on Krypton, so, I can’t say I have much of this planet’s society ingrained into me to think that’s odd, but, Alex, I’m really proud of you.” Kara spins her head at Winn. “Did you know?”

 

“Duh,” Winn says, “Solidarity.”

 

“I am confused on one thing, though,” Kara says. “If you’re nonbinary, is Maggie not a lesbian anymore?”

 

Maggie snorts and Alex shakes their head. “No, I still am. It’s kind of hard to explain, but, like… I identify enough with womanhood to identify as a lesbian to see women and be like, _Oh, that’s gay!_ , but not completely enough to consider myself one hundred percent a woman. Well, more like see Maggie than see women, but you get what I mean, I think. I hope?”

 

“I get it,” Lena pipes up, and that surprises Alex. They haven’t talked much, Lena mostly being on the sidelines and watching or conversing with Kara, James, or even Winn before coming to Alex and Maggie for a discussion. “I don’t know about you or Maggie’s experiences with the lesbian community, but I’ve seen plenty of lesbians and gay or LGBT women in general be gender non-conforming, especially in their gender identity. You’re not the only one, Alex.”

 

“And,” James continues, “even if some of us don’t know what you’re going through, we’re here to support you. We’re a family, right?”

 

Alex smiles, relieved. “Yeah. We are.”

 

“Is that why you didn’t want to go swimsuit shopping?” Kara asks.

 

Alex nods. “Skintight clothing really makes me uncomfortable in terms of my gender presentation. I’m sure Winn’s explained dysphoria to you?” When Kara gives confirmation, Alex continues. “It’s like that. Sometimes, I don’t mind, but I have a chest binder for when I do. I’ve really only been wearing it around the house or outings with Maggie, but now that you all know, I’ll want to do it more often.”

 

“And if anyone tries to argue and say something, even though you’re very strong and capable of doing anything you want, they’ll have to go through me,” Winn says decisively.

 

“Oh, by the way, Winn, I was thinking… I’m sure you remember the problem of binding at work, considering what we do. I was wondering if you wanted to make a shirt or top for me that would incorporate binding into it? Something that’s flexible but also keeps me comfortable.”

 

“Yeah, that’d be cool!” Winn says. “Your own super suit.”

 

“I don’t know about all that…”

 

“Stop that, Alex.” Maggie playfully, gently backslaps Alex’s shoulder. “Don’t play humble.”

 

“You’re one of the biggest superheroes here, Alex,” James says. “Trust me, I’d know.”

 

“I would, too!” Kara says. “And if Winn is being a slowpoke in its design, I’ll blackmail him to work quicker.”

 

“You don’t have to do that, Kara. I want to do it. I’m _excited_ to do it.”

 

Kara puts her hand to the side of her mouth and whispers conspiratorially, “I have _so_ many pictures of all the action figures in his bedroom,” and everyone laughs at that.

 

That night, when Alex and Maggie have gotten home and are snuggled into their huge bed, Alex thinks about how good they have it, and about how every day, they learn a little more about who they are, and while there might be some bumps in the road, they wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sapphics on tumblr and eiigbt on twitter if you want to talk! i've been thinking about doing a oneshot of midvale and alex coming out to eliza. thoughts?


End file.
